I need a break...

…so I’m going to Egypt for a week. Blazing sun, amazing Red sea, sweetest waterpipes and most annoying bargaining culture are waiting. I’ve been there once, let’s see what’s different this time. Hopefully I’ll be able to post about my adventures there. My heart will stay with the people at home but my body will just enjoy the warmth and my mind will rest…

People letting you down

…this blog is developing like a tangent curve – happy note, sad note, happy, sad…. Last one was happy, guess what this one is?

I’ve been let down. It’s not work-related, nor is it about my personal life, per se. It’s something in between the 2. It’s about organizing a thing and being sure that everything has been agreed on and then finding out 4 days before the “thing” that the agreement doesn’t stand and you’re in deep shit.

I tend to believe in people and to trust them and generally I expect people not to break promises. You know what I mean? I try to always keep my promises and if that is impossible for some reason, I go out of my way to make it right and I more or less die of the guilt. It’s the same thing with running late on a meeting or being unable to help my friends or whatever. So, that’s what I expect from the rest of the world too. I cannot respect people who light-heartedly run late all the time or fail to keep the deadlines or don’t pay their debts on time or break their promises. And so what if things like that happen all the time… does that mean I have to take it as a norm? I don’t think so!

I know the situation I’m referring to is not entirely one person’s fault but I can’t help but feel sad and let down and disappointed…

Let him entertain us

So i got up early on Saturday morning, because the RW tickets' general sale started. Of course...the internet sites were too busy, and me at my home and N at her home wer both trying to buy the tickets. Corresponding with eachother via msn and phone, sharing the frustration. I was already getting used to the idea, that it'd never work, but kept trying anyway. Somehow N managed to enter the page but had troubles paying by her creditcard. So we used mine ...and somehow....it all worked (it only took around 3 hours:)... and now we are the proud owners of RW tickets... and guess what, only 8 months to go til the concert:)

On the verge

I must apologise for not having written anything. Work has taken over..... I try to improve myself at the end of this week....right now.... my energy and intellect is needed elsewhere...

RW

This is a bit of an outburst…You see, I am a proud member of robbiewilliams.com. And it’s not as simple… I had to pay to “belong”. I don’t really mind the money (I do get a t-shirt also:), because supposedly it should bring along benefits. For instance, today I received the info and possibility to buy tickets to Robbie’s next tour – all this 10 days before the rest of the world. Sadly enough…IT DIDN’T WORK…I tried and tried and juggled countries and dates all over Europe, as if choosing a chocolate bar at a candy store. Tried UK and Germany…couldn’t even access the pages. Tried Amsterdam… it sold out while I was filling out my form, tried France…they don’t seem to accept Estonia as a country (stupid French), tried Milan…selected the tickets and got as far as submitting…only to be greeted with the well-known “this page cannot be displayed…bla-bla-bla”. Same story with Sweden. The page is just too busy!!!

Robbie’s one of the artists (and there aren’t many) that I NEED to see performing live, with my own eyes. I will keep trying to buy now and keep on trying when the official sales commence and if it does not work, I will write to Robbie himself and ask for tickets:) Anyways…anyone thinking of what to give me for a Christmas present;)? The tickets are very welcome….

Life as a man

This week has got me thinking about my life as a woman. (And seems i am not the only one, read also what Peon has to say about it.)

With girls we’ve discussed several times the pros and cons of being a woman. Prevalent cons are the “having-to-go-through-the-pain-of-giving-birth” thing and the monthly thing and the fact that women are still underpayd compared to men...and and and...there are so many more. The pros of being a woman include for instance that we have a wider variety of clothing options, that we can control (and hide;) our sexual excitment better, hence we’re more in control in a way....and...that’s about it really. Despite of everything, i have always been content with being a woman and rather thought it’s a better variant out of the two and never really pondered about the possbililty of life as a man, aside from the occasional thought of how i’d spend one day as a man (fyi, i’d try to seduce a girl and have sex with her, go to gym and shower and listen to guys’ talk in sauna, probably measure my equipment:).

Lately, though, i’ve thought about how my life would be better as a man. You see, being smart and educated and successful is highly appreciated also in women in modern world, and wanting a career is for long not only men’s prerogative... and yet, there are so many guys (perfectly nice and smart and funny guys) who rather find a partner who is below their level, who is probably a really sweet person (sometimes even not that) but doesn’t give the impression of being as smart or as funny or _ _ _(fill in the gap yourself) as the guy himself or his friends. It really makes me wonder, what do they talk about with one another? Do they talk at all? If not, what keeps them together? In one of the Tony Parsons books a male character expresses his mind on the topic, saying somthing like “men don’t want the copy of themselves as a partner”. And if that is true, then i’m in trouble. I’m not saying i am exceptionally clever or doing too well or or or... but generally people in my friend circles (including the humble me) are all of the formerly mentioned – educated and doing fairly well on their jobs and so on. That got me thinking that i would definitly be a “good catch” as a man, yet i don’t see a queue of eligible bachelors at my door:) ...and yet, still, however and nevertheless i prefer to be a woman...go figure:)

Never a bestselling author

I’m currently reading this book by Belle de Jour…called “The Intimate Adventures of a London Callgirl”…and I am constantly amazed by the similarities I’m finding. Ok, she’s a callgirl and has numerous strange sexperiences on a weekly basis…BUT, that aside, the resemblances are remarkable. She’s constantly expressing my thoughts!

The book is written in blog style (an yes, it differs from regular diary style) and she’s probably around the same age as me and maybe I’m bound to find similarities in the way of thinking and lifestyle… On one hand, it’s fun to read it and go: “Exactly!”, “Yes, I’ve thought the same.”…and so on. But, on the other hand, she has expressed thoughts on topics about which I have a) also written about already, b) have been planning to write or c) would like to write. I guess there goes my chance of ever publishing a book:)

Part of my soul

For the record, yesterday was the first day I noticed Christmas stuff in shops. C’mon people…it’s still October and just a bit too early for all that, don’t you think? I’m not much of a fan of the approaching cold winter and really long and really dark nights…but given there is no escape from it anyway, there are a couple of things that make it all a bit more bearable. For instance, you can light the candles and vanillascented incense, put on a Buena Vista Social Club record and read a good book. Even more perfect would be to cuddle with somebody and watch a good movie and do all the other things you can do if the movie is boring, for instance;)

Still… on a related topic to weather and BVSC…On Friday evening I had the chance to watch the fabulos Lady Salsa show, which was 2 hours of absolutely perfect dancing performances through the whole Cuban dance and music history. The way those dancers moved was unreal. I know they’re professional dancers but you can never ever make an Estonian move like that, even after years of training. Add to that the music and the passion and temperament…it’s just mesmerizing. And it made me wonder, why wasn’t I born in Cuba or somewhere alike…I admit that part of my soul is really northern but there’s a tiny part which is not, and is always longing to go to places far from here and is drawn to latin music and dancing…and this part has been longing to go somewhere for a long while now…

…but today was nice – it was sunny outside and there are still lots of colourful leaves on the trees, there was no wind and the city was beautiful…and the candles are lit, the music is playing and the book is waiting…

Fff…f…Friday

Sometimes it is not Monday that is blue but it’s the Friday which is not even just blue or green or any other colour, but really fucked up. You can go through a perfectly normal, even good, week and then… Your partners fail to keep the deadlines, which makes you miss yours’ which creates you even more work and you have to spend the whole day clearing up some mess and trying to make the best out of a whole pile of bullshit. All the little problems suddenly creep up from the holes where they’ve been hiding, and Friday (supposedly the easy day of the workweek) turns into a nightmare. Add to that some personal unpleasantries…like a flashback from history, a stupid sms which should not have been sent the night before and not enough sleep because of the Cosmo party…and you get a really cranky me…who bites, when poked...

…so, Mr Friday wisely stays away…

…on a more positive note…it’s S’s birthday, and I’m so sorry I cannot see her in person and hug her on this special day…

Well-behaved girl

I’ve been a good girl. Last week was… no alcohol (except for that one glass of red wine on Friday evening, which some of my careful readers would definitely point out:), lots of training (painful at first, but I got used to it), no parties (I know it’s possible to party without alcohol, but I wasn’t ready to try it out last week), almost healthy diet (you can only eat “almost healthy” when the weekend includes a visit to parents), worked a lot, visited friends, had a date, slept a lot during the weekend, finished reading my Robbie book…

…and the result? Life without alcohol is possible. Even life without parties is possible…but it’s not exactly for me… it’s like… sth is missing. I think going to dance at a party once a week should be normal and acceptable even for well-behaved girls like myself;) Let’s see, maybe this week I try it without alcohol….

Raul

My little brother has a birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUU; HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU....and so on. The shocking news is that my little brother is not so little any more. He's 18!!! That means he can buy beer, go to nightclubs and even run for local town coucil, if he should choose to want to do that... Sth is terribly wrong wih this picture. He is my LITTLE brother an yet i might bump into him in some parties now....is really weird...

I think we're stupid

We tend to forget painful situations in our lives, or rather – the pain and hurt itself. Time heals. I think you never really forget the situation and the fact that somebody or something has hurt you, but you forget the overwhelming sensation of hurt and you forget the crying-your-heart-out and so on. They say (who are they, btw?) that it’s the defense mechanism of human organism. It’s the reason why women still have children after giving birth to one baby and why women or men forgive their partners cheating and why new relationships are still formed after bad breakups and why most of the people don’t kill themselves after the death of somebody dear.

We cry, we’re broken for a while, we hate the ones who’ve heart us, we hate the world and we think things will never get better. And yet we cope, at some point we dry our tears, we forgive the world, we start to believe our friends telling us that it will be better and finally we are able to forgive the people who’ve hurt us. It’s because we rather remember the good memories and the decent features in people.

Lately somebody from my not so distant past told me that he realizes that he’s been a real jerk to me and that he wants to make it up to me… And, I have no idea what to think of it…

"If they can’t get close enough to hurt you, they can’t get close enough to love you." - Unknown

Isn't it ironic

You know that song Ironic, by Alanis Morissette? Well, today, life or the universe or whatever, found an ironic way of showing me how I cannot eat my cake and have it too. What do I have to do if I must choose between 2 good things? The decision cannot wait, either… i’m really bad at this…

Edit: I made the decision....now we just have to wait and see if i'll regret it or if it'll bring sth good along..

3in1

Photo by: Aivo

This story is called "How to fit 3 parties in 1 weekend" a.k.a. "3in1"

Friday
At first Friday didn’t seem promising at all…I was so tired that I had to sleep a couple of hours before the night could start. Slowly we (PM, A, S and myself) started recuperating and warming up. Some food, some drinks, some Kylie Minogue last tour DVD watching, some make-up and sexy clothes and off we went to Club Angel. Ain’t no better place for partying with your own gang, than a gay club. I have written about the charms of gay clubs before… and I have to repeat – the best music for dancing, good drinks and lots of glamorous people. And, it’s probably the only place where (given that the style of the party is Hollywood stars) you can see a guy dressed as Tom Cruise in the famous dancing scene of Risky Business:) So, we danced til 4 and had a seriously good time.

Saturday
Sadly enough…no time for sleeping long, like it should be appropriate after a long night out. Me and S headed for Tartu. This time I recuperated at my parents’ place – some sleep and a lot of eating. And then I had to go to a party again. I mean… I really HAD to, because I was supposed to meet people. S couldn’t accompany me this time, coz she fell ill – she’s probably not tough enough for this kind of lifestyle:) The party could have been wonderful, as the music was good, but I just couldn’t find my party animal…so I talked to people for the whole night, which was nice, actually. I still managed to stay til around 3, go figure.

Sunday
Sadly enough…no time for sleeping long:) Had to head back to Tallinn…as another celebration was waiting for me. But I knew that one was not to miss. It was a birthday party of 2 very creative guys. It started at 1 o’clock…in the zoo:) The party was called “Let the animal out”. Now, picture around 50 people…dressed in animal costumes…seriously – cats and dogs and pigs and bees and flies and giraffes and camels and so on…it really was a sight for sore eyes…After a tour in the zoo we had a trolley to take us to the center of town, where, in teams of 5 or 6 we had a competition which included a digital camera, running around in old town, a bit of getting naked, some drinking and lots of interaction with “normal people” on the streets. I’d be surprised if some of us don’t end up in some TV news report or newspaper. And I’m really surprised htat none of us ended up in police station, though there were some close contacts with the police officers…all in all, the party was a really good fun!

And the result? A really tired poor lil’ ME having to get through the blue-blue Monday…

This is not a resolution

If weekend fails to serve one of it’s (I believe main) purposes – to get a good rest and be ready for a new week full of work and responsibilities, should it still be called weekend? Or is it just another part of the week?

S asked me the other day if I really go out every weekend? She said she hadn’t been out to party in a long while already. And it got me thinking… Do I? And you know what, i do, actually. Whenever I don’t have some kind of a party situation either on Friday or Saturday, there seems to be something missing... Weekend usually has 2 days and so did the last weekend…and yet, I managed to fit 3 parties into that short time…(noting that with really surprised and somewhat puzzled expression).

I’m not a kind of girl that tends to make resolutions of any kind (and this is not one) but I think I try to live a more “healthy life” for a while. I mean – more sports, healthy food, more sleep, less parties, less alcohol. It should be possible, right? See, if I have more energy then to go through the long autumn. Maybe I find out that it’s just the opposite, that the lifestyle I’m leading right now actually gives me energy…We shall see!

(Short overview of the weekend is still coming a bit later:)

Treatment

Silja’s coming to town. It’s been a while since I last saw her or really talked to her, though we’re in contact almost on a daily basis. I know she’s got a bit of a London depression right now…so she’s gonna get the full Estonian treatment, which means using all the services which are cheaper here – beauty salon, hairdresser etc; going to parties without wasting enormous sums on taxi and entrance and drinks; having girlie talks about everything and nothing; getting updated about the latest Estonian gossips; being spoiled by her mum; eating pelmeni, rosolje, cloudberry yoghurt, kohuke and sefiir; drinking Vana Tallinn and vodka (preferably not in the same drink:); meeting the good-old-friends and so on and so forth…

Edit: So, she arrived thursday night...which means we had to stay up late and go through the most important aspects of our lives and some other people's lives....which means i have slept for 4 hours...

BonBon

I don’t have so much to say about the weekend, though it was a perfectly good one. I just don’t know what exactly to point out. But since it was still worth remembering it’s better to clear my own thoughts and note a couple of things down, coz my own memory can be shit sometimes.

First there was Friday evening – office-opening party of Imagine/Pulp – met some new people, ate and drank, smoked some waterpipe (oh, and Nika called, which was a really nice surprise). Had a good time. In many ways quite similar to our office parties:)…and quite similarly to our office parties we ended up going to a nightclub – BonBon. We were discussing the phenomenon of that club while at the party and also the whole weekend after that:) The entrance costs too much and it is still packed with people and so badly that at some point there’s no room to dance…or even move around in the club and all the oxygen is gone…hate it…ok, for about 15 minutes the music was really good. Every time I go there I promise not to go back but it still somehow happens…for my own defence I can say that I have always been forced to go and I’ve never paid for the ticket. Well, I also had a quite nice bumping-into-somebody-from-the-past-who’s-quite-cute and as he was suffering the same symptoms of not really liking the party, we could whine about it together:) and share a cab home later (both to their own homes:)

Saturday was about making my home prettier (well, clean up a little) and making myself prettier (all the things for myself that I have no time for during the week). Wishing happy birthday to Pusa in the evening – the upstairs of Africa is really adorable – but too knackered for staying out late.

And Sunday, a bit of working out and shopping and a lot of Robbie Williams book…I’m about to finish it and getting a bit nervous, as it is my last book from the pile I brought last time from London.

Keepin' it real

I wanna escape to unreality, i wanna get lost in it. I wanna go travelling or get a secret lover or sit at home and read books or watch movies or be a student again or start taking swing lessons or learn a new language or become a popstar or take up volunteer work somewhere abroad or ...or...or...

I don't wanna think about work problems all the time and even dream about them, don't wanna be stuck in this climate, don't wanna feel responsibility, don't wanna think about what other people think of me if i do one thing or another....don't wanna be so stuck in REAL.

I know i'm being childish and i know this feeling will pass....but sometimes being childish is the only escape....


‘Yeah. There’s that as well. All that keep-it-real crap that people say. “Keep it real.” You’ve heard that, haven’t you? Real’s crap. Real’s boring. Real’s real. Why don’t we all keep it unreal for a bit? What do you think? Keep it unreal…Look where real’s got us…’ – Robbie Williams

London

My London network is developing. I have a really good friend living there for what…a couple of years already, another friend has been living there for about half a year. And now….yet another good friend is moving to Lnd, which is in a way bad (I will miss him) but in a way good (another friend to meet up in Lnd).

Plus I heard from my Mexican friend that his father just opened a Mexican restaurant in London called Mestizo. So, whenever I go to Lnd, I am very welcome at that place. And Mexican food is delicious…..

But what is this all about? Why’s everybody moving to London? Is London like a city equivalent for what USA is as a country? Is London the city of all possibilities? What is it that draws people to London these days? It isn’t the weather, that’s for sure – for that you’d go somewhere more south, it’s not the cheap living costs – you’d pick some less westernized country, I think it’s not even the best party places – for that I think Madrid would be better. It has to be work then, I guess. Big business! Money! A guy from New Zealand once pointed out that he would never choose London as a place to live, but the money is just too good! So he works a couple of months and travels, works again and travels some more…

I like to visit London – go shopping, go out with friends, spend hours in bookstores, travel by tube, walk around, talk to people, make some photos, read a book at some park, spend some time at Portobello market, bump into celebrities:), enjoy the endless diversity of people, and basically, just have fun – but I am not entirely sure if I could ever really live there…
Having written all that I realized that I miss London and I think I should really book some flights and go and take another look at the city of all possibilities:)

Strange feeling

Do you know that awful feeling of getting sick – dizzy head, sore throat, wet eyes, sleepy etc? And, have you experienced that it usually happens before an important client meeting or at the time you are busiest at work or when you have a date ahead or sth alike – at the time you absolutely cannot allow yourself to get sick? I felt it yesterday (and today a little). It makes me wonder if it is really so directly connected to the stress level and how could it be possible to avoid it? There are periods with such a workload that it would be amoral to fall ill but if this is exactly what IS causing the illness…then we have a vicious circle…

I am absolutely sure that most of our illnesses are caused by our own thoughts…and can be avoided the same way, but I am really bad at controlling my stress level…I have also noticed that people are not ill when they are happy… and vice-versa – you have a bad breakup or you are in a bad relationship and poof! you’re ill…you are unhappy with your work and poof! you’re on sick leave all the time…

I am very rarely ill…so what does that mean? I am happy? I am not unhappy? I take stress well? One thing I do know – I hate being sick! Hope the illness goes back to wherever it came from and stays there….i plan to be healthy!…this weekend and later too!


"I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." - Jerome K. Jerome